Ever wondered how we brew? - well here's our method.........
THE MASH
A combination of malts are mixed together in a process called Scrunging, the malts are made using a rare form of
seaweed which has been passed through the intestines of the North Sea Whale (itself an endangered spieces). When
the malt is dried out by blowing very hard on it until your chin turns blue, it is ready to be mixed with hot water.
The process differs from making tea because when you make tea, you use a different product altogether.
The hot mix is left for several years, or until the Conservatives are voted in, whichever is the sooner. then the
sweet liquid is drawn off. it looks a bit like beer, but tastes crap.
THE BOIL
The sweet liquid or 'wort' as some would call it, (we prefer to call it 'Kevin') is pumped into the Copper using
a hand operated bicycle pump. The 'Kevin' is brought to the boil and a missionary is added, it is important to
the flavour at this stage that he must be bound and gagged. We also add a few hops throughout the boil because
this is what people expect to be put in. The boil lasts for as long as our patience or we time it using a piece
of rope and a ballcock.
THE FERMENTATION
After the boil, it is important that the liquid is cooled rapidly, which we do by running in a clockwise direction
around the brewery. we then add yeast, our yeast is a particular strain made by the monks which inhabit the mountains
of Holland. The yeast converts the sugars to alcohol and produces a by product which is a low humming noise, which
can be irritating. When fermentation is complete, a buzzer sounds and many people gather round and clap warmly
and sing.
THE PACKAGING
The beer is now ready for racking, we first wash out 9 gallon casks with a mixture of ground beetles and Daz. then
the casks are filled by a bearded Wizard called George. The beer is also put into bottles which are stored in Dung
until they are fizzy, we know they are ready by throwing them at a wall to see if they explode.
Thus the brewing process is complete and Judges, Officers of the Law, Makers of small wooden huts and the general
proles can enjoy our beer.........